The Agreement: What Keeps Married Couples Closer?

***DISCLAIMER: It would behoove you to know that I am not a medical doctor nor any sort of psychiatric or psychological practitioner. While I do appreciate and thank you for being so brave so as to take a chance on me, I would recommend that before getting started, a mutually agreed upon, comfortable and casual atmosphere or setting is arranged, notepads and pens are gathered, and I would likewise recommend that all encounters be dealt with on a very lower alpha frequency range with no snacks, or mental hindrances such as drugs and alcohol are in the way. Having stated that, let’s get started.

The season of wedding has come and gone. A long time has passed I would guess, yes? Either way—this is a great opportunity for discovery yet again and is all for the best. The illustrious and exotic experience of all stimuli has now faded nearly transparent into the foreground of what is currently so: REALITY, has taken the stage. All bars—or nearly all bars—have been lifted I would think by this point, however, there is a good support measure in having each other’s backs and restraining one another’s intangible triggering moments. It is nice to have that cushion at certain times I would imagine as to not fall too far behind one’s own intended direction or orientation at least. Yet it is time to disclose something to one another quite bravely and fearlessly at this point. We can all start out with the notebook and writing these thoughts out to ourselves as questions like, “What was this all for?” or, “Is this really even working?” or, “Have we done all we could? “ and, “Is it worthwhile for us to continue?” Might not be the fondest or, “friendliest” of questions to start out with.

When these questions seem to be incessantly rattling against the erupting cushions and battered down walls of comfort zones of the mind, and noticeably uncomfortable in their seemingly state of disrepair—I would hope that this post might provide some level of value to that one couple who really wants to work this out in whatever way it does because what is really “fair" in the end of this existence anyway? And what of the worthiness of exploring one’s own self versus becoming lost or entombed by another person’s paradigm and never getting the fulfillment of experiencing the opportunity that life has offered them with? So here is your grace. Save yourselves the heartache, the suffering, all of the time and settle together on a date to discuss.

MUSTS: Face to face. One on One. Poker faces. No emotional expressions. Communication must be barren of any and all distraction.

Straight-laced and upfront: when was the last time you took the opportunity to glance into each other’s eyes for longer than two minutes without speaking? After all, when were verbal communication forms considered as mandatory?

Moving on. After peering into one another’s eyes to seek and search out the truth of each other’s souls, now it is time to discuss the agreement. Consider writing down the answers to these questions:

1. What was our initial intention? Did we set out together to achieve any specific purpose, and was that purpose completed?

2. What have we been able to achieve together?

3. What have we created together?

4. Am I still able to enjoy myself?

5. Is there space left for us to grow? Together? Apart? And can we both benefit from one another' somehow in some way?

   
   
   

   Trust me, this is not an easy conversation to have with one another, but as of yet? Nothing has really been said. Everything up until this point has either been communicated visually, or has all been written down. This should be coming clear as to being a wonderful exercise of transmutation—shifting energetic vibrations (most likely heightened emotions) into other more desirable emotions.

   Either way, this was the agreement and it was settled on one fine and incredible day. Regardless of the perceptive judgements that may appear mentally speaking, on whether or not it was a “good” wedding or a “bad” wedding, or whether or not the party guests had any fun, or whether there were any classical or worthy moments to remember…QUIT that conversation in your mind. That was THEN. Now come and rise up to the current quarrel of things—the immediacy of the circumstance. These are your lives. These are your futures. Your paradigms and your languages have all combined, interplayed and potentially by now, arisen into a uniform concert of evolution.

Image courtesy of Hart Heiden

So I want you both to get back to that piece of paper and your pens to write down any thoughts that appear while considering this visualization exercise. While you are seated together and after having stared into each other’s eyes to witness the spark of illumination that was and perhaps is still there; you’ve written down your answers to the questions offered here, but now? Take it into your mind that there is now an entire band…you could write down for kicks and giggles what band and song you two come out to playing up in your mind, but for now, walk with me here for a moment so were all on the same page. I want “her” to read this out loud for you to play along with:

“Call it into your mind the idea of an orchestra playing…This orchestra has been playing since the day we were married to one another, or? if you’d like, since the day we first fell in love with one another. At any rate—this orchestra has been growing along with us both carrying melodies and concert overtures of whatever sorts and samples of tunes that could be played to fill in the hollower gaps of our existence paired with each other. Let’s figure this out: how many orchestral members would you say there are now? What are the instruments involved?”

SWITCH: NOW HE reads the next portion out loud to you:

“Was there a tuba player? Did you envision a tuba player because if you did, you really won big this time…I kid. I kid. But seriously: I want to know—what instruments are involved in the band? Who are the members? Does it feel like a team effort?… And now that reality of space and time between us of what we once were is now whatever it is for us presently. Now in this moment, from the mind’s eye, consider writing down what does the song from the orchestra sound like? What does it sound like to you specifically?”

PAUSE: Take a moment to breathe calm, deep, soothing breaths and ask and answer this question by writing it down and keeping your “poker face” turned on for maturity’s sake and to not disrupt the other’s concentrated effort and focus. It will become important to discover one another’s perspectives on this idea later on. But for now? let’s take a minute. Stand up. Stretch a bit and unfold. And, oh yeah! Take that piece of paper you have been writing on and give it to the other person. Agree with one another that you will both take the time to read it. Right then and there. Witnessing another person’s genuine perspective is fun. But here’s the neat trick: refrain from all judgement. Judgement must cease.

If you enjoyed this type of exercise consider supporting our cause for mental health by clicking HERE and thank you for your time and consideration. We appreciate any relaying of your results and any donations and all of the inspiration you provide the world with. Thank you for your commitment to excellence, leadership and full self-expression.

-Hart