After the awareness of a life altering condition had been set and fully recognized, the challenge for me was this the idea of “growing up” people were talking about? What did that expression even mean? Was it an expression even at all?—was I being too hardheaded to take it seriously in the first place? I wanted to know…Because I want to know myself. In my opinion after the diagnosis arrived on my plate in 2010 that I had a considerable depth of future to no longer view the same way I began to really explore the human experience and what a person was truly capable of achieving. I researched, I wrote, I spoke with people, befriended people, I met with individuals experiencing the same or similar condition. I took it all very seriously, but yet—with child-like composure and character. The bottom line is to reduce suffering as much as possible while at the same time have as much fun and enjoyment existing. That line for me was difficult to meet up with when also confronting the idea of growing up.
In my opinion, and I will try to be as unbiased as possible, but in my opinion the idea of “growing up” is not about age or interference, but about perspective shifting. Being capable of mindful behavior and conduct seemed to be relative to the individual’s own relationship with their inner-self and willingness to understand their fullest identity.
Maturation, to me, did not prove to be a relevant clause in adequately, or, sufficiently satisfying in the nuanced qualities and identifiers for whether or not a person is grown up. Maturation could mean physically, or spiritually, or mentally, but it could also come down to the willingness and ability to make the appropriate sacrifices. As mentioned earlier, age is not a match for “grown-up,” or, for a level of maturity.
Personally? I am nearing my over-the-hill moment and I still have moments of pure joy and elation for doing something so silly and childish—like sticking this sticky-ball of tape to the back of my father’s cardigan so he wouldn’t notice. Or, cracking up in fits of laughter after a stranger used the word “shalaylee” to refer to my cane I use for walking support. I hadn’t heard that word used properly like this in decades. It was simply funny to me. But little things like that? In a public setting? Absolutely won’t speak well of the relationship…or? Could it be that keeping a childish side of wonderment and joyous exuberance be the secret to maintaining worthwhile relationships?
In a lifetime of incurred restrictions and limitations, deficits and losses, counting down the days to the final demise—it makes absolute sense to carry on a heightened level of clarity in order to play the part of shifting attitudes when the perspective has been altered. Getting a diagnosis of a creepingly slow deficiency-illness is enough to make a person’s head spin, but shaken and shattered, as bruised and as scraped as anyone is in the moment of considering whether they’re “grown up” or not? Does it even really matter? The grown up thing about you is that you finished this article. And to which my grown up response is, and sincerely: thank you in kind for your consideration. Watching cartoons growing up left me considerably more loopy, and yet all the more devoted toward having fun with life and my disease state has only strengthened my understanding of self on a much greater level than anyplace I could imagine. I truly believe I can cure this disease inside of me. Only time will tell.
—Cheers,
Hart
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