So this is how bad it gets, eh? And you’re telling me that it’s only going to get worse, yeah? And so, I’m supposed to live my life like I can never forget because? You know what? My body—umm? I can never forget. It is here. It—this—whatever “THIS” physical experience is? It is present with me on a moment-by-moment, three sheets to the wind-type of leveraging. Escape? Not possible. Well? Technically? It is possible. I know exactly what I would do as well, I mean? If it ever genuinely came to that…let’s be honest? You want the strong and healthy to survive, don’t ya, Life? You want the fittest and most spectacularly productive, raw-hogging, rough-riding, senatorial drones bragging to carry on the system. I get it. Survival of the fittest. Evolutionarily that makes sense. The system works—for some, but regardless? I’m not about anti-government policies, or relinquishing system-driven hierarchies, or? That’s not me. This life is a miraculous event. And it is not my choice to end it. But there is that one aspect, or element that comes up about this whole experience and that’s the idea of, “Denial.” Am I wondering myself into a space of no return from what is currently, and most-definitely so? A place where there are only one of two health options to choose from? Some medical practitioners proclaiming that a blend of both will work much more effectively. I, with all respect, and in all irrational-rational conceptualizations of experiencing this beast first-hand, would like to speak to a fourth option that exists. For instance, what I would propose as looking like a world of infinite health that I get free-reign to exist in.
So? To select from the matrix world of the myriad of choices of healers and health-practitioners, programs and remedies? All of it seems to be an art of, “leading the witness,” in that—by mere association and interaction with that group of individuals who might very-well have some esoteric edge, or homeopathic remedy or stable conclusion. But by mere interaction within that realm I have willingly agreed to being “sick,” or, “unhealthy,” and I refuse to play the game of doctor-patient, sociopathic helpless experimental infirmery department. Yes! I completely agree with you—something needs to change! Yes! I am right there with you and aligned with the fact that my physical system is not operating appropriately for what it is I seek to accomplish in life. Yes! It is hard, it is difficult, it is a challenge that no one will ever understand what it’s like. And, Yes! I do want to be healed!
But for me? See, calling it “denial?” Doesn’t sound like a title that fits for what it actually is—I am physically distressed and dis-eased. I can get that. Something is completely different and naturally, I want my own definition of my existence. I want my words to be heard and I want other people to listen and gain benefit from what I have to share. Give me the chance to evolve, naturally, as humans and everything else does, into whatever changes are occurring in my body. I promise that if it leads to harming anyone including myself that I will take the appropriate measures and necessary, adequate precautions to remedy the solution and do my best to qualm anyone else’s distress. But look—I can’t make any person feel any sort of way about me. The people that will fill these spaces will generally be relatives and/or parents and close acquaintances. Not a single one of them, however, could ever completely understand what it is like to experience this. And according to leading scientific experts in early childhood development, these longings for approval and attention are the type of psychological patterns that are present in a disproportionate number of individuals who suffer from MS. And that? That folks? That’s called a breakthrough in research in my book. Because, it has not been widely made pronounced that yes, emotional traumas early on, and significant early adolescent relationships with familiars could potentially become a prescient indicator of developing the character traits and internal emotional dependency to want to please others. In light of his work, Dr. Gabor Mate, opens up a whole new realm of incompletions for me in my life because, yes, my ACE score is well-above an 8/10 and that might offend some people or explain some things, but there is no real way of defending that this, presently here and now, is not what’s happening. Yes, I did choose the most challenging careers to support one’s life upon with little to zero money, or hefty pockets supporting them along their way: acting, music, comedy, writing, entrepreneurialism, etc.. Failure became my bag. But the odd thing was? The diagnosis from some 15 years earlier? And knowing that my time was finite on the playing field? But still going after it? And the only person who knew and could attest to the slow-progressive changes? This is my life. And There are many others out there with much more severe conditions, symptoms, etc., but it is NOT doing anyone justice to COMPARE to another. I think it is about time, rather, that the MS community begins to become more accommodating for Doctor’s and scientists who really wish to contribute their time into findings at the root-cause of the issue: the emotional aspects of psychology and the childhood upbringing. Denial? For now? Can we agree? Everybody’s got problems. Denial is just another way of placing someone into a box of understanding that eventually winds up causing an argument that another individual doesn’t think they have a problem. I like to think of it as—I know I have a whole bunch of problems, but I’d prefer not to discuss them at large with anyone, right? “You get that dishwasher fixed yet?” I mean? Everyone’s got problems.
But the biggest take-home here is the understanding that early-childhood trauma causes a major impression on the growth and development of an individual. As the result of this, or, of these impression(s), the individual is continuously focused on the past, whether consciously or subconsciously—much similarly to the identifiable stake I placed in the ground on the moment of my first diagnosis. It lives with me—even though it goes, and for the most part, unseen. With this in mind, however, it is in my best interest and suggested recommended interest for others suffering from this condition—to begin utilizing tools like, “The Mandala of Being” by Richard Moss, to encourage the recognition of past and future ideations and to revitalize the presence of the fullest sense of self in the NOW, present moment.
-Cheers,